So, when did this become accepted as the norm? It certainly wasn't like this when I was growing up. Baby showers consisted of peanuts, tea sandwiches, cake squares and sherbet punch. I don't recall alcohol being available at the circus. Is that really necessary? It's two hours and you are most likely with children. Birthday parties were about the kids...not the adults. Doesn't seem safe to have a house full of kids with a bunch of drunk adults. But, I guess I get it. A year ago, I would have drank at all of these events and been annoyed if it wasn't available. But, then again, I am also an alcoholic.

I'm not exactly sure when I knew I was an alcoholic.  I remember admitting it to myself about a year and a half before I ever admitted to anyone else and got help. The disease of alcoholism is cunning. I would justify drinking. I would compare myself to others who I thought were way worse than me. I would tell myself day after day that I wasn't going to drink, yet, I would go to the store after work to grab something for dinner and go in the doors telling myself I wasn't going to buy any alcohol. It never failed that I would be standing in the check out line with a couple bottles pinot or a 12 pack of blue moons....or both. It was baffling. I couldn't understand why I couldn't just stop. That's when I knew I had a problem.

It’s been one year ago today that my brother, William Mitchell Hudson, died at the age of 29 from an overdose. To know Will, was to love Will. For the most part, Will quietly observed, so when he had something to say, you listened. He was a worrier. Always worried more about everyone else and their happiness more than his own. He was a gentle soul with a giving heart. Our loss was Heaven’s gain, for sure.

My favorite part of this letter is, "Thank you for whatever happens. I know it is part of Your plan." Will was thanking God and trusting that good or bad, it was part of His plan. He was thanking Him before he even knew the outcome. I had never thanked God for something I didn't want or didn't understand. Will was blindly trusting God and His will for the baby, no matter what the outcome.

My behavior when I was drinking conflicted with my values. I knew I wasn't a bad person, so why did I constantly find my self in bad situations. I had lost interest in anything that didn't involve drinking. I didn't take pride in anything anymore. Morning after morning, I would sit at my vanity to get ready for work, look at myself hungover in the mirror, thinking, what happened? how did I get to this point? Get it together, Allison. Who are you?